That One Friend

A recent conversation with a friend made me wonder why do we have that one friend?  She was telling me about her new business adventure.  The excitement was plastered all over her gorgeous face.  Then she mentioned a “friend” made her question whether she has what it takes, to turn her dream into reality.  I sat watching her bright face slowly dim with every word released from her mouth.  I could feel my face mimicking hers. Before she had the chance to view my reaction as another “friend” that did not have faith in her, I had to speak up.  “Fuck her” was all my classy verbal skills could conjure up as a response.  Her reply “Oh well, we all have that one friend.”  Who is this friend?  How did they get into our lives?  Why do we allow them to stay?  Why can’t “fuck her” be a classy thing to say?  There are so many things that need to change.

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Time is short and life is filled with many things.  The good news is, we get to decide what things fill our life.  The bad news is, some things are trash.  Why do we lack the ability to throw these friends in a dumpster?  Why do we let our optimistic outlook on life, endure pessimistic dumpster mold?

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Some friends we acquired in our youth.  They have been around so long, it is hard to place them in a donation box and secure with duct tape.  Work friends clock in.  It is hard to force them to clock out.  Facebook friends made us click the accept button.  Now we can’t hit the delete button because we fear dramatic backlash.  The sniper friend has laid low.  You didn’t know they were here, until you feel the blood running from your face.  The jack-in-the-box friend pops up.  It scares the shit out of you, anytime you mention bettering your life.  Mother Goose can’t wait to tell you a story!  One time, two other people tried what you are thinking about, and almost ended up in an oven!

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The list of awful things could go on and on.

We are adults.  The same adults that tell our children to be brave.  We have the audacity to tell children to ignore bullies.  Why can’t we tell them the truth?  Look them in the eyes and say “Mommy doesn’t know honey.  I have an asshole around that loves to point out; I can’t do it, I shouldn’t do it, my hair is frizzy, my lip color is all wrong, more squats would help my flat ass, I’m too bold, my teeth aren’t perfect, and my boobs need a better bra.  Mommy will cry with you…scoot over.”  We need to be the heroine of the story and lead by example.  Would Wonder Woman put up with all of this?  Hell no.  She would use her unbreakable bracelets to block their words.

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Her magic tiara would bomb their doubt. Her sword would cut through all ridicule before the Lasso of Justice hurled their sorry asses into oblivion.

Where did we put our Wonder Woman panties?

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The child within ourself needs to remember anything is possible.  The child watching begs us to lead by example.  Growing up shouldn’t be a pathway towards losing faith and encouragement.  Be Wonder Woman.  If you can’t find the strength, befriend a Robin that can say “fuck her”  We are out there and will protect you.  There is still more good than evil in this world.  Life is short and you have the opportunity to fill it with great things.  Thanks to a couple of Robin’s  I realized; I can do it, I should do it, people want my hair, my lip color is fine, my husband loves my ass, I’m too bold for some, my teeth are perfect, and my boobs are real.” Buh Bye trash  If you look in the right places you will never have to utter the phrase “that one friend”

For all the women that read this blog as a foreign document;  you have never had that friend or met a woman that could be that friend…kudos you always look like this on the inside  swinging

and we see you for what you are on the outside.

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It takes real superhero stuff to go through life without any of this.


When Mean Girls Grow Up

MEAN WOMEN     If you have lady bits you know the definition of a mean girl.  When we think about mean girls, a pictured is painted of a time when life was mapped out by seven hour classroom days, with a lunch room intermission.  If you were the victim of a mean girl, you awaited a world that is free from whispers, rumors, and exclusion.  Then you become a woman and realize that mean girls never go away.  Mean girls simply age and have more time to perfect their craft.  To know thy enemy is to beat thy enemy…Sun Tzu saying maybe?  Sounds like some Art of War bullshit. Even though we know men don’t deal with this disease.

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For a cure to be found the symptom and cause must be addressed.

There are different reasons mean girls evolve into mean women.  I want this blog to be semi-short so I will address the main cause.  I  discovered it during the most blissful years of a my life, puberty.  In the seventh grade I remember a cute new girl arrived to school.  I would love to tell you that I was the girl who walked up to her, introduced myself, and we became best friends.  I was however, the mean girl.  PLOT TWIST!!  A mean girl born from jealousy.  She was cute.  I was okay.  She had the cutest laugh in the world.  My laugh could replace waterboarding for the CIA.  She was a new shiny toy.  I was a dingy Speak and Spell at the bottom of the toy box.  You get it.  Jealousy converted me to the evil character of the story.

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I rallied to get others to ignore her.  I said horrible things like “Her Tommy shirt is fake.  I saw the same one at a gas station.”  If I had a time machine, I would go back and kick my own ass.

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I can’t so all I can do is confess now.  She taught me that jealousy is something that can steal your joy.  It can steal others joy.  I can only conclude that mean women did not learn this in their youth.  Happy ending, we became friends and she still has a cute laugh.  Though she should have kicked my ass and never spoke to me ever again.  She was cute on the inside as well.

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The truth is jealousy is a uterus. A cute intimidating sperm shows up and it creates a jealous baby.  Should you choose to give birth to your ugly jealous baby keep it locked in a car seat.

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Don’t let it come out to play.  As an adult some women have learned how to deal with this thing they didn’t mean to conceive.  While some never grow up, give birth to it, and share it on social media.  If you see one, pat it on the head and keep walking.  You win at life because you go around with your hands free.  You don’t have to carry that damn thing around.  NEVER-EVER-EVER try to play, argue, or reason with their jealous creature.

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Be an adult.  Go find someone with no ugly kids lurking around the corner.  Put the drama mama in time-out and walk towards the big kid table.  The big kid table is where the grown-ups are working and changing the world.

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The perfect game for the mean woman is gossip.  The same tool used as a mean girl.

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Once again, I have played on both sides of this team. I type with shame…I wasn’t an adult so forgive me.  When you are on the offense you are playing a dirty game full of lies, manipulation, and loneliness.  The lies are told because you are not skilled enough to play with the truth.  Manipulation is easy because there is always a bored idiot, sitting on the bench, waiting to join your team.

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The loneliness will come once everyone views the lies and manipulation game for what it is, bullshit.  When you are on the defense, the first hit is to the gut.  You are left wondering how many people have watched the game.  How many know the type of player you really are?  How many of your fans will still be there for you when it is over and the buzzer sounds?

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If adulthood has taught me anything it is; the truth always comes out, people will believe what they want, and your true character will show in the end.  Live your life in a way that throws off their game.

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Stong women don’t play games.  Real women become gardeners!  Stay busy tending your own back yard and you will find you can’t make it to practice with the rookies.  That doesn’t mean you won’t get shit every once in a while.  Life isn’t perfect.  As you grow your own roses, you realize too much fertilizer will kill everything beautiful.  Weed and grow ladies…weed and grow.  After awhile you will be able to smell the shit from a mile away.  Close the gate and stay in your garden.

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What if you walk outside and fall into a snake pit?  You should watch where you walk.  Sometimes we are reading a text message from a friend, we are not paying attention, and bam surrounded by snakes.  First, identify the snakes.  Some snakes are harmless.  Some have their head chopped off.  They are just a crazy body still moving.  Some snakes started out nice but you taunted them so they became mean.  Some were born poisonous creatures with a forked tongue.  Know the snakes you are dealing with.  Second, you must handle this situation like a real life encounter with a cobra.

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In this moment, there are no games to play.  Survial is your only goal.  Assuming you can’t escape with a ladder; simply be nice, thank it for the conversation, and slowly back away.  If it is a nice snake, it will go back and eat the poisonous ones.  If it is poisonous, it will go back and play with the others until it decides to eat one of them.  The last step is to remember you will not be here forever.  You can go back to your garden.  Don’t become a poisonous creature.  Chances are, you will get your head chopped off by a ho.  I spelled that correctly.  I have a couple of snakes in my life that are great at eatting insects and verbally killing the evil serpants.

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They are nice snakes to have around.

Mean women will always be around.  It is important to know, you should not take this personally.  If they are jealous you are doing something right.  You know their main method of attack.  Don’t show up to the game.  Bad snakes eat each other and rats.  In the end, they will forget about you and turn on each other.  Go back to your garden.  The main thing to remember is, if you go around sick people and lick their windows, you are going to get a disease.  Keep your hands clean and your tongue in your mouth.  It is the only way to eradicate this epidemic.  Go out today and do your part!!!  Lift up a strong woman!!  Be a strong woman!!  When you encounter a dirty one, hell that is why they make bleach, penacillin and Purell!!  You know the cause now be the cure.