Don’t Throw a Dog a Bone

circleRecently on a trip to Memphis, TN my husband and I decided to listen to the old fashioned FM radio.  I told him that I recently heard a song that I listened to in my youth and was shocked by the lyrics.  A song, that I sang many times around the house as a seventeen year old girl, was entirely about a…well..um..how do I put this gently, a boner.  Not sure if that was gentle enough.

The song was “Too Close” by the group Next.  Lyrics like

Baby when we’re grinding
I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it
I try but I can’t fight it
Oh, you’re dancing real close
Cuz it’s real, real slow
You’re making it hard for me

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Before you say I have a dirty mind, and I clearly didn’t twenty years ago, let me continue.  Here is a little sample of the girls part in this song.

Step back you’re dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you

Yes an entire song revolving around the male anatomy.  Circa 1997 I played this song loudly in my bedroom.  I danced from my bedroom to the laundry room belting out these nasty lyrics.  My parents, that grew up during the time of heavy drugs and free love, were certainly mature enough to understand the lyrics I blindly sang.  Did they hear me and wonder if I was one step away from a pole and a dollar?  Did they block me out? Probably, thank God.  Thank you God and I’m truly sorry God.

As my husband and I discussed how I could be absolutely clueless, I pressed the search button. We were on our way to a Garth Brooks concert so I found a country station.  The lyrics rang out

I’m a thourough-bred
That’s what she said
In the back of my truck bed
As I was gettin’ buzzed on suds
Out on some back country road.
We were flying high
Fine as wine, having ourselves a big and rich time
And I was going, just about as far as she’d let me go.
But her evaluation
Of my cowboy reputation
Had me begging for slavation
All night long

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Turns out country music also loves to focus on things that we really shouldn’t speak or blog about.  I’m sure there is a horse out there that needs a break.  I saw several horses in Costa Rica on a horseback riding excursion that needed to be saved.  I wondered did Big and Rich also visit Costa Rica?  Maybe they found out a way to help a poor overworked and underfed animal.  As payment from good karma they get sex in return.  Okay, let me dial it back a bit.  Sorry about that.  I have brought you into the depths of the gutter and I will do my best to pull you out by the end.

I looked at my husband and said “Another boner song!! My goodness how many are out there!!?? ”  Once again, pressing scan I set out to find a nice little song without any hidden meanings.  The next station was classic rock.  Classic rock should be a safe station.  Sure rock and roll is known for sex and drugs but this is classic rock.  Classic, as in the FCC was very strict about what songs radio stations could play.  Safe.

Stroke me, stroke me
(Stroke)
Stroke me, stroke me
Say you’re a winner but man you’re just a sinner now

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Billy Squires swears up and down that song is about making it in the music business but come on.

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“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails…I will spare you the lyrics.

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Ooh baby, I’m hot just like an oven

I need some lovin’
And baby, I can’t hold it much longer
It’s getting stronger and stronger

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I don’t know what I’m saying
As my trembling fingers touch forbidden places
I only know that I’ve waited
For so long for the chance that we are taking

NO CONWAY TWITTY NOT YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!!

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Closer to Memphis we could pickup an old school rap station.  Now we can hear about gin and juice, some gats that are strapped, maybe we can pour a forty to someone’s memory.

The song is ending but it is a good one

Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride
hell yeah
Swing down, sweet chariot stop and, let me ride

AND THEN THE NEXT SONG WAS…..

If you’re horny lets do it, ride it, my pony
My saddle’s waiting, come and jump on it
Lets do it, jump on it

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That was when I turned to Amazon Music and decided maybe we should listen to some Garth before we listen to Garth.

The next time you turn on the radio, pay attention.  A boner song is bound to pop up.

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Click the Amazon Music link below if you would like the freedom to listen to appropriate music.

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